I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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