Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
