I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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