if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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