Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
