She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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