I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
