i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
