weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
