Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
