I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
