Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
