Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
