2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
