two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
