I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
