don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
babies were throwing up all over the place
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
