Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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