You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
