I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
