Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
