I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
