Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
