lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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