I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
