My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
zippers are such a cool invention
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
