woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
