i think i have two assholes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
