Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
