I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
