I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
