Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
