your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
