Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize