i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
