I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
