Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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