He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
