Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
