I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
