Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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