Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
