I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
