I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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