At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
