nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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