All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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