Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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