he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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