Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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