I just made out with a guy for $7.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
