I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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