I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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