who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm like, not good at living.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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