i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
