Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
