He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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