God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
