dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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